Like so many technological advances, fiddling with the genetic makeup of produce will have unforeseen consequences. In 2012 the International Coalition of Improved Agriculture will reluctantly report on the results of their experimentation. Though the “super” crops they breed will have many benefits, such as increased yields and extended growing seasons, the Coalition will warn of negatives which will outweigh the positives.

Dennis Wade, the acting U.S. head of the Coalition will tell our sources of the unpublicized side effects: “We first began to worry when the soy beans drafted their second constitution. The first one was just pie-in-the-sky posturing, but the second one… well. They made some good points.”

After Wade’s initial report, stories will leak out of Asia about the Bok Choy building a giant wall to keep out marauding turnips. Meanwhile in Italy local farmers will have their hands full trying to quell race riots between their green and black olives. Concurrent with this, Greece will lose most of their vineyards when an especially advanced breed of Merlot develops laser technology and lights itself on fire. “Hubris,” Wade will comment sorrowfully, “it’s worse for crops than spotty leaf rot.”

The world’s greatest minds will meet to discuss the possible threats posed by the sentient produce but even the most eccentric theorists will confess themselves unprepared. With the numerous clouds looming on the world horizon, few will have anticipated this unfortunate development.

Frank Warner head of the CIA’s DoomsDay think tank will be gravely disappointed. “I lost the office pool,” he will say. “I had my money on a joint robot uprising/zombie attack.” Despite fears to the contrary a suitable strategy will be formed in a matter of days. A triumphant Warner will remark to the press, “If the Commies were this edible, we could’ve cleaned up the Cold War through diet and exercise alone.”

Despite protests from special interest groups including PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Arugula), Operation Crimson Harvest will commence in early autumn to great acclaim, ending forever the threat posed by militant crops and rogue flora.