In shocking news, after a laborious six-month Senate hearing process, the Players Union for Major League Baseball will decide to prohibit the use of steroids as long as MLB adheres to their demands.

“We really mean it,” Bob Mitchell will say, speaking for the Union, “As long as MLB stops drug testing, the players have agreed not to use any performance enhancing drugs. Honest. Seriously… why are you all laughing? The players’ logic is undeniable. If no testing occurs then no one will know if anyone is using steroids, and the players have promised not to as an extra bonus. It worked in the nineties.”

Many sports analysts will doubt MLB’s willingness to accept the proposal. The new MLB commissioner will only have this to say, “Well, at times like these someone in my position might use a folksy catch phrase, like ‘that dog don’t hunt,’ but in this situation, that’s insulting to dogs. And hunting. And frankly to the rednecks for whom the phrase was made. Excuse me now.”

MLB’s major problem with the proposal will be simple: If there is no testing then things will continue as they have for the last two decades.  In the past, this practice led to speculation that records that were broken were somehow tainted. Players largely disagree with this view, usually with such oratorical arguments as, “No, they aren’t tainted. Because.”

As the debate continues over performance enhancing drugs in Major League Baseball, one thing will remain apparent: the Cubs will not make it to the World Series… again.