While the rest of the nation reels from the precipitous rise of fuel and energy costs, one segment of the population will remain unaffected and indifferent to the plight of the nation: The Amish. The collective smugness of the plain people will lead to soured relations with “the English” as they call the general populace, and growing suspicions will drive the government to investigate rumors of so-called “windfall profits.” In autumn of 2009, Congress will subpoena the heads of numerous Amish settlements to ask them pointed questions about the high price of their quilts.

“It’s a disgrace!” Congresswoman Barbara Wainman will tell the media. “It costs more now than ever to heat a home and many are choosing to turn down their thermostats necessitating the purchase of warmer bedding. Meanwhile the Amish or Big Handicraft, if you will, have been exploiting the needs of the American people through industry collusion and price gouging.” Read more…

Los Angeles, CA—Stephen Matthews, a local retired literature professor from U.S.C. will expend his remaining fortune in early autumn of this year for the sake of satisfying his professional curiosity. After an unremarkable career, and several months at Sunny Hill Retirement Home, Mr. Matthews and his roommate, famed German statistical mathematician Friedrich Barker, will join forces to investigate the age-old maxim involving infinite monkeys, typewriters, and the complete works of the Bard.

Though the budget of the project will not allow for the specified number of monkeys, Barker will remain confident that the principle will be proven even under the constraints of laboratory conditions. “It stands to reason,” he will say, “that if an infinite number of monkeys will produce the complete works of Shakespeare, then five or so ought to be able to turn out the first act of Macbeth.” Read more…

For decades the world’s rain forests have lingered like a mirage on the horizon of medical progress, but at least one will shortly be deemed medically irrelevant. Described by many as a storehouse for potential cures, the Amazonian Basin has been disappointing researchers for many years. With nothing to show for their efforts, the scientific community will be closing the book on the Amazon in early January of next year.

“This rain forest is clinically useless,” Fred Little, long time head of research in Amazonian Brazil will say in his final report. “I shudder to think of the resources we’ve expended here chasing an imaginary cure.” Read more…

After 35 years in the Cook County DMV, Ronald J. Hacket will be reunited with his family this coming weekend. For the last 35 years, he has been awaiting his ticket to be called. Unbeknownst to him, his ticket was actually called ten minutes after he arrived in 1965. However, he missed the call because of a hearing impairment and will be waiting until this coming weekend, when his ticket number will be called again.

Hacket persevered over the years due to a severe fear of his father, who told Hacket he could not return home until he had received his driver’s permit. The fear drove Hacket to fight to stay in the DMV, until eventually no workers paid attention to the golem-like Hacket. Hacket survived off of leftovers from the DMV’s office fridge and coffee machine. Read more…

Hollywood, CA—Coming to the new fall lineup in 2010 will be the latest batch of reality shows to daze and titillate the masses. One among them however will be distinguished by ratings and scandal. Hailed as “shockingly conventional” and “inevitable” by some, The Coliseum will still take a small, sheltered portion of the population by surprise. In the vein of previous survival shows, The Coliseum will send a host of insipid characters back in time to experience life in the cutthroat world of gladiatorial combat.

Seymour Cooper, the man behind such blockbuster programming as Musical Gasmasks and Who Wants to Be Buried Alive?, will proclaim his latest production The Coliseum a triumph. “I believe I’ve cornered all markets with this one,” he will tell reporters. “Kids love the violence, parents love the history. Reality show fans love the high drama and predictable dialogue; reality show detractors love the fact that all the shallow and stereotypical participants will be eaten alive by ravenous lions.  Every single person in America is watching my show.” Read more…

Ankara, Turkey—Turkey will launch a world wide call for freelance scientific geniuses, specifically ones with a background in lasers and no “prejudice against super villainy.”

To questions voiced by the press, Abdullah Gül, Turkey’s controversial young president with a penchant for the dramatic, will decline to give specifics about his research goals. Dressed head to toe in a black silk cloak, pointy facial hair waxed to rigidity he will say only, “Your American Marvel comics are very instructive.” However, shortly after being employed as head of Turkey’s Research and Development, one Bertram Stanley will defect to the United States, leaking the scorned nation’s secrets to the world. Read more…

Like so many technological advances, fiddling with the genetic makeup of produce will have unforeseen consequences. In 2012 the International Coalition of Improved Agriculture will reluctantly report on the results of their experimentation. Though the “super” crops they breed will have many benefits, such as increased yields and extended growing seasons, the Coalition will warn of negatives which will outweigh the positives.

Dennis Wade, the acting U.S. head of the Coalition will tell our sources of the unpublicized side effects: “We first began to worry when the soy beans drafted their second constitution. The first one was just pie-in-the-sky posturing, but the second one… well. They made some good points.” Read more…

In shocking news, after a laborious six-month Senate hearing process, the Players Union for Major League Baseball will decide to prohibit the use of steroids as long as MLB adheres to their demands.

“We really mean it,” Bob Mitchell will say, speaking for the Union, “As long as MLB stops drug testing, the players have agreed not to use any performance enhancing drugs. Honest. Seriously… why are you all laughing? The players’ logic is undeniable. If no testing occurs then no one will know if anyone is using steroids, and the players have promised not to as an extra bonus. It worked in the nineties.” Read more…

Las Vegas, NV – It will be easy to trace the downward spiral of Las Vegas’ most successful call girl, Cecilia Minor, aka Pepper. Formerly an acclaimed adult escort, Minor will throw away her pleasure industry empire with one illicit foray into local politics.

“It all started when I took that learning annex course in Political Science,” she will tell Larry King in a candid interview. “It was so exotic, so intoxicating. Before long, all I could think about was lobbying. I’ll admit it, I was seduced.” Read more…

Every year around this time hundreds of Americans take stock of their lives and resolve to do better. Some choose exercise, others dieting, still others make plans to improve themselves—and break them just as quickly backsliding into even worse behavior. Conventional wisdom suggests that change is good, but is it really? According to a startling study due to begin at the Phoenix Institute for Medical Research sometime next year, maybe not. The controversial research project led by Dr. Sally Coombs—author, physician, and long-time chain smoker—will reveal the detrimental effects of quitting anything. “The human body is amazing,” Coombs will be quoted as saying, “and you’d be surprised what it can get used to.” Read more…