Boston, MA – Lucas McFinney, a struggling actor from Boston will get the surprise of his life this August when he discovers he’s been the first documented victim of extreme identity theft in U.S. history. The startling revelation will come after an odd phone call from his mother congratulating him on his starring role in a hit television drama about a wise-cracking police detective and his lovable pet orangutan, Dotty. McFinney, who’s been waiting for his big break for years, will be understandably flabbergasted as he has neither auditioned nor performed in over six months.

“My mother called me and told me she’d seen me on television,” McFinney will tell reporters. “And I was like, ‘What?’ I didn’t even know I had a clone. God only knows how long he’s been trading on my name, my experiences, and my charming personality. I’m gonna sue the pants off him.” The resulting trial will uncover an illegal cloning ring working out of the barbershop Copy Cuts, which McFinney frequents.

“No one’s harder working than a clone,” James Brown, the original McFinney’s lawyer, will tell reporters. “The ring leader got twenty percent of everything his clones made.” During the landmark trial (McFinney v. Himself) the defense will argue that McFinney is the real clone and the alleged clone is actually the original McFinney. This daring argument will be stricken from the record, however, on the grounds that it’s impossible to prove and too confusing to discuss intelligently.