http://www.breakingearly.com Bringing you the news before it happens Mon, 17 May 2010 21:28:53 +0000 http://backend.userland.com/rss092 en The Large Hadron Collider will once again disappoint in the early months of 2020. After the initial disappointment in 2008 of not destroying both France and Switzerland, the LHC will continue to dash expectations in so many other ways. Cern will completely run out of money after squandering billions of euros ... http://www.breakingearly.com/technology/lhc-failure.html In a shocking turn from normal Necro-Satanic procedure, the Morningstar, also known as Satan, will decide to postpone the much anticipated Apocalypse. While originally scheduled for the end of the Aztec calendar in 2012, Satan will decide that the end of the world must be closer to a Bush family ... http://www.breakingearly.com/international/satan-to-hold-off-on-apocalypse.html A new accessory is hitting the market next spring: therapeutic sun glasses.  The new fasion accessory/mood modifier will be designed to positively enhance the wearer's overall outlook on life.  While many colors will be available to suit any wardrobe, shades of pink will prevail. Users of the new glasses notice little ... http://www.breakingearly.com/medicine/tinted-happy-glasses-replacing-prescription-pills.html Sibu, Transylvania—Inspired by local vampiric legend, a group of engineers in Romania will develop a fuel cell partially energized by the electrolytes in human blood capable of powering a small to midsized electric car. All such vehicles will come equipped with a small tank and a dashboard catheter. ... http://www.breakingearly.com/technology/fuel-shortage-solution-described-as-morbid-parasitic.html In a reversal from his usual movie-making style, Michael Bay will decide to make a movie without any explosions. The shift, which will come after the release of his next movie, Things Go BOOM, will prove that Mr. Bay is able to make films with a feasible plot outside of ... http://www.breakingearly.com/arts/michael-bay-to-make-movie-without-explosions.html Our staff of astromancers, Nostradamus scholars and Bible thumpers have determined that The End is near.  How near? They are not quite sure, but they all agree it is not too soon to start asking ourselves whether or not we will be ready when the fateful moment arrives.  Don't let ... http://www.breakingearly.com/international/armageddon-to-take-world-by-surprise-5-questions-to-answer-before-the-beginning-of-the-end.html Later this summer, Atlantis will arise from the deep approximately seventy miles off the coast of the Azores and pronounce its return. The mystical island, which sank eons ago, has been a source of intrigue to global historians for centuries. Linked to all sorts of occurrences, from the rise of Camelot ... http://www.breakingearly.com/international/atlantis-quits-hiding-comes-out.html Lingering educational debt will haunt the paychecks of many young Americans as the cost of a decent college education rises ever higher. In response to repeat defaults on financial loans, several universities will implement a new means of repayment, The Offspring Repossession Initiative, jokingly termed “the Rumpelstiltskin Agreement.” This controversial financial ... http://www.breakingearly.com/economy/higher-education-to-take-a-page-from-the-grimm-brothers.html Paris, France—The cutting edge of fashion will never seem so sharp as new fall styles hit the catwalks all across Europe in 2012. As the models mount their towering heels and prepare to strut for the camera, the savvy observer will know there is more to their rail thin figures ... http://www.breakingearly.com/medicine/too-sexy-for-my-%e2%80%a6-spleen-cosmetic-organ-removal-to-turn-heads-on-paris-runways.html While summer gas prices will keep people at home this summer, an exciting new energy source will be coming out on the horizon. In mid August, Terrapin Beer of Athens, Georgia will find a way to synthesize beer as an alternative fuel. The beer-fuel will be called Rye Fuel Ale, and ... http://www.breakingearly.com/technology/beer-will-become-new-alternative-energy-source.html