Cern will completely run out of money after squandering billions of euros from various grants and loans.  Facing bankruptcy, it will be forced to sell out and seek alternative corporate sponsorships. A monorail track running over the 17-mile collider ring will be built, surrounding the amusement park and shopping mall that will be erected to raise money for the project.  Alas, most of the funds raised by the corporate ventures will go towards mitigating the effects of ‘collision-addiction’ developed by the particle physicists working on the premises.

Many more years will pass before the LHC actually helps discover a new particle.  When scientists finally do discover the Biggs Hoson, the new particle will appear to reverse the logic behind scientists’ initial predictions on the nature of the universe. This will create more confused scientists than at any time since they changed their title away from ‘Philosopher’ and proclaimed the Earth was flat, the center of the universe, and only six thousand years old.

Instead of being the key to figuring out what the rest of the universe is made of, the newly discovered particle will actually attract dark matter and energy and will continue to both defy and warp all logic and clear thought, receiving the nickname ‘the Goth particle’.

In other news, the Large Hadron Shopping Mall will be the only mall in existence to have more Hot Topics than Claire’s and Orange Julius’ combined.

 ”Maybe we would have been better off with the Black Hole…”
—Steve Myers, head of the Accelerator and Beam department

“I just think that the world won’t be ripe enough at the projected launch date. It’s nothing against the Democratic party’s ineptitude in office, but with a Bush in office there is just a special kind of havoc and chaos on a global scale,” Satan will explain in a press statement.

Since Revelations is so vague and the Left Behind series seriously tipped the surprise of the original plan, Satan will feel it necessary to work out a new surprise ending. The Evil One will also promise that the Apocalypse will be much more structured in its chaos. Satan believes the few extra years will give him the ability to create new and interesting ways to assume global domination and the release of the beast.

Users of the new glasses notice little difference between the effects of the pills they are currently taking and their new spectacles.

Beginning with the colorful mood ring in 1962, attempts to create an actual mood altering ring were crippled with setbacks from the technology of the day and conservative forces in the FDA. Adoption of the technology by Big Pharma, however, will cause a dramatic change in the official position of government regulators, who will become more interested in accelerated trials for each new trinket.

Azzor Merica, a Chinese jewelry maker, has suggested it may be getting into the market as early as April 2009 with a line of anklets proven to inhibit Obsessive Compulsive behavior in young women. Azzor’s move to this market is shaking up one local company, Jones Pharma, looking to market their own OCD shoe inserts. A spokesman from Jones commented, “This company [Azzor Merica] is best known for marketing faux diamonds.  This is a ridiculous, opportunistic move on their part: They know nothing about treating people with mood or psychological disorders.”

The market for mood-modifying accessories will begin booming starting in the third quarter of 2011.  Wall Street’s reaction will be mostly positive and stocks of Pharmacueticals leveraging the new trinket technology will jump 20% collectively over the following quarter.

Despite the many drawbacks of the new fuel cell. such as its inefficiency and “creepiness”, manufacturers will trumpet its low environmental impact and its unexpected effect on crime rates. “Since these cars hit the market, murder rates worldwide have plummeted,” Daniel Lipinski, the spokesman for Transylvanian Motors will say. “In addition, homelessness and vagrancy have become almost nonexistent in the world’s urban centers. I think it’s fair to say that TM has taught the world the true value of a human life.” Lipinski will choose not to mention the startling rise in cases of abduction and the replacement of meth labs with black market blood banks, colloquially know as “Sap Farms.”

Though America will quickly become the largest importer of TM’s automobiles, no plants will be opened in the States following an uncharacteristically violent demonstration by the Red Cross. The protest will be sparked by frustration at the sudden drop in blood donation. “It’s double trouble,” Felicia Costa, RN will tell reporters. “Patients come in from accidents drained so dry you can see right through them. We have to undo the damage they’ve done to themselves before we even get to blood lost from injuries sustained. It’s a vicious cycle. We need donations now more than ever.”

Regardless of intimidating picket lines at dealerships, TM’s latest model, the sporty HemorRAGE, will continue to fly off lots nationwide while blood pimps or “vampires” set up shop in the nation’s prisons and nursing homes.

Many other directors will support the move on Bay’s part.

“I think Michael’s time has finally come,” Bryan Singer will say, “I mean, Pearl Harbor sucked. Transformers was fun to watch, but it was Pearl Harbor all over again, but with shape-shifting robots and a little less weird love triangles.”

Mr. Bay’s new movie will focus on a group of teenagers who live an odd life: one without hot girls falling in love with awkward, shy types or explosions takings place every thirty seconds or so. It will depict how those poor youth survive in an increasingly Hollywood-esque world without the constant need for catchphrase-like lines and references to older movies.

Mr. Bay will receive industry-wide praise and win an Oscar for the movie.

1) Am I, or is someone I know, the Antichrist?

Few positions will enjoy the same stability or offer comparable perks during the End of Days as this coveted job opportunity. Chances are you’ll not get the nod, but now is the time to start building that resume. When the Prince of Darkness appears on the scene he will require an accomplished staff of schemers, backstabbers, and yes-men. You may not have the background now, but our experts estimate you will have nearly three years to polish your skill sets. Experience in Congress will be a plus.

2) Locusts, Gad Flies, and Brimstone – is my home protected?

You may be insured against Acts of God, but what about Acts of Satan? Take it from us: you will not want to get into a theological debate with your insurance company. They’ll have more schooling, a legion of demonic lawyers, and they’ll charge by the hour. No, no, you’ll want everything settled long before their CEO erupts from a blackened fissure in the earth’s crust to begin fulfilling prophecy. Be sure to consider such overlooked issues as blood clotting in water pipes and meteorite damage.

3) Do I have the i-Mark?

Not only will the newest subcutaneous model from Apple be sleek and trendy, it will also be hella-expensive. Just think of the hundreds of dollars you’ll flush away as an investment. After Macintosh signs an advertising contract with the Antichrist it will cease to be merely a status symbol and become compulsory, at which point the price will triple. The installation itself will be a fairly simple outpatient procedure and it will contain all pieces of identification, credit and debit cards, as well as an MP3 player and GPS function.

4) Is my membership with the tanning salon current?

It’ll be hard to maintain that sexy tan with the sun blotted out. Whether you prefer tanning bed or creams, you’ll want to make sure you have a secured supply. Demand will be high and prices will jump. The only thing worse than a rotting pile of plague victims is a pasty-white rotting pile of plague victims.

5) The final battle: to enlist or not to enlist?

We recommend not. It may be the only game in town, but our experts suggest it will be more fun to watch from a distance. Consider also the possibilities that will exist off the battlefield. With all military personnel amassed in a distant locale, the urban climate will be ripe for a little “creative commerce” (i.e., looting), and the dating scene will be awash in singles’ two best friends: abiding darkness and desperation.

Linked to all sorts of occurrences, from the rise of Camelot in England to the occasional eruption of mount Vesuvius in Italy, the storied floating city will not look at all like the Stargate spin-off of the same name. In fact, the city’s appearance will be more in tune with ancient Greek architecture, except that it will be full of mer-people who use kelp as their primary building material.

“It is time for us to rise,” Grand Lord Kang Lo’Tard will say in the rising ceremony, “Global warming is the biggest reason I guess. Plus, those darn fishing boats keep screwing up our kelp.”

The Atlantians will have similar features to humans, but will lack certain details such as noses and legs, and their fingers will be delicately webbed together.  The politically correct movement will have a difficult time finding appropriate adjectives to describe them, but the mer-people will integrate graciously into many coastal communities.

In response to the rise, the US will ally itself with the new fish-like race in hopes of finding new oil sources before the Beer revolution.

This controversial financial aid package will offer a free education to any who sign a contract giving the university rights to their first-born child. For many unwed mothers and fathers, this initiative will allow an unprecedented opportunity to pursue an education that would previously have been out of their reach, as well as allowing graduates struggling with steep monthly payments to wipe the slate clean.

Though detractors will call it modern day slavery, Felicia Coy, head of the department of financial aid for the University of South Carolina will dismiss such statements as overly dramatic. “It’s really more like indentured servitude,” Coy will say. “We put the little tykes to work selling candy bars and lemonade. When the Girl Scouts do that they call it character building.”

The Initiative’s biggest supporters of course, will be the graduates. “It’s great,” Sally Miller, one of the first to sign the contract will tell our reporters. “I’m just passing my debt onto my child. I mean, I gave him life. You can’t put a price on life. But if I had to, a few hundred thousand dollars sounds about right.”

In this landmark year for plastic surgery, Cosmetic Organ Removal will emerge from the recesses of backstage chop shops into the full light of flash photography. Though the controversial procedure will not be publicly acknowledged for several more years, 2012 will be the turning point when top-modeling agencies will begin requiring it before finalizing contracts.

When questioned about the moral ramifications of such a requirement, the companies will confess helplessness, citing the refusal of designers to make clothing that will fit on a biologically standard human body.

“My creations defy the natural,” world-renowned designer Bernardo Latiffe will tell our reporters in response to these accusations. “I will not have models ruining my vision by flopping around with both kidneys sagging out.” Latiffe will go on to state his disinterest in designing for “plus sizes” as he will label women with all original organs intact.

As high fashion goes the way of life-threatening surgery, it will shortly become common to see Hollywood stars flaunting their scars and concave torsos in provocatively narrow designs from overseas. Though kidney removal (usually the left) will remain the most popular option, models looking for a leg up on the competition may choose to excise gall bladder, lung, ribs, appendix, and/or several feet of intestine. Not surprisingly, life expectancy for models will plummet even more dramatically than after 2011’s reclassification of Bulimic as a political party in Milan.

While it will take some time to mass produce, this alternative fuel will drive down gas prices quickly, and make the US independent of foreign oil sources.

“This is a big step forward for America.  Alcohol and cars, who’d have thought they’d be such a great combination?” the President of Terrapin Beer will say.

Oil companies will react by attempting to buy out the new beer fuel and gouge every penny out of it they can, but will eventually fail. This will cause a massive shift in the global economy, bringing down the OPEC cartel as well as making oil companies truly competitive, until oil is phased out in favor of its more renewable, and delicious, alcoholic counterpart.