Though art has advanced far beyond the era of the economically placed fig leaf, some will argue that the art world still harbors many prudish and outmoded traditions. Since the first caveman scratched phallic symbols of masculine virility in the ashes of his fire pit, artists everywhere have limited their models to a single sex. But as the New Year dawns, a small group of innovative artists and ideologues will unite to bring the battle of the sexes to a reconciliation, at least within the confines of the canvas.
In early March, the soon-to-be head of the Inclusive Movement, Harper Weeks, will publicly state the group’s position on marble anatomy. “It hardly seems fair,” Weeks will say, “to limit a work of art to the shallow waters of the natural world.” This fledgling special interest group will pressure progressive galleries to update the content of their nudes to reflect the fluidity of gender in the modern age, either by removing blatantly male and female pieces or by permitting the addition of untraditional sex organs. “This isn’t castration,” Weeks will famously remark, “this is combination.”
Weeks will go on to announce the grand goals of the organization which will refuse to be cowed by the works of the masters. Chief amongst their demands will be the addition of large plaster breasts to Michelangelo’s David: “We will not settle for less than a B-cup,” Weeks will proclaim, striking the podium. The list of pieces dubbed “sufficiently hermaphroditic” will include the Mona Lisa and the majority of Frida Kahlo’s work.