Hollywood, CA—Coming to the new fall lineup in 2010 will be the latest batch of reality shows to daze and titillate the masses. One among them however will be distinguished by ratings and scandal. Hailed as “shockingly conventional” and “inevitable” by some, The Coliseum will still take a small, sheltered portion of the population by surprise. In the vein of previous survival shows, The Coliseum will send a host of insipid characters back in time to experience life in the cutthroat world of gladiatorial combat.

Seymour Cooper, the man behind such blockbuster programming as Musical Gasmasks and Who Wants to Be Buried Alive?, will proclaim his latest production The Coliseum a triumph. “I believe I’ve cornered all markets with this one,” he will tell reporters. “Kids love the violence, parents love the history. Reality show fans love the high drama and predictable dialogue; reality show detractors love the fact that all the shallow and stereotypical participants will be eaten alive by ravenous lions.  Every single person in America is watching my show.”

Indeed, the show will be a marked success despite the negative reviews and sporadic protests of a dwindling moral majority. Audience members will be able to text message “thumbs up” or “thumbs down” at the close of each episode, thus deciding the fate of their favorite gladiators. One in five voters will win a free loaf of bread for participation in the historic project.

Several weeks after the pilot, however, the show will be cancelled midseason due to concerns voiced by PETA about the care and feeding of the animals. “The conditions are simply barbaric,” James Stanton, the man to blow the whistle on the show will tell the press. “I think it’s a sad commentary on our culture that the most highly rated program in the history of television is one that practices, nay, celebrates the unethical mistreatment and captivity of these beautiful creatures. We should all be ashamed.”