After 35 years in the Cook County DMV, Ronald J. Hacket will be reunited with his family this coming weekend. For the last 35 years, he has been awaiting his ticket to be called. Unbeknownst to him, his ticket was actually called ten minutes after he arrived in 1965. However, he missed the call because of a hearing impairment and will be waiting until this coming weekend, when his ticket number will be called again.

Hacket persevered over the years due to a severe fear of his father, who told Hacket he could not return home until he had received his driver’s permit. The fear drove Hacket to fight to stay in the DMV, until eventually no workers paid attention to the golem-like Hacket. Hacket survived off of leftovers from the DMV’s office fridge and coffee machine. Read more…

Hollywood, CA—Coming to the new fall lineup in 2010 will be the latest batch of reality shows to daze and titillate the masses. One among them however will be distinguished by ratings and scandal. Hailed as “shockingly conventional” and “inevitable” by some, The Coliseum will still take a small, sheltered portion of the population by surprise. In the vein of previous survival shows, The Coliseum will send a host of insipid characters back in time to experience life in the cutthroat world of gladiatorial combat.

Seymour Cooper, the man behind such blockbuster programming as Musical Gasmasks and Who Wants to Be Buried Alive?, will proclaim his latest production The Coliseum a triumph. “I believe I’ve cornered all markets with this one,” he will tell reporters. “Kids love the violence, parents love the history. Reality show fans love the high drama and predictable dialogue; reality show detractors love the fact that all the shallow and stereotypical participants will be eaten alive by ravenous lions.  Every single person in America is watching my show.” Read more…

Ankara, Turkey—Turkey will launch a world wide call for freelance scientific geniuses, specifically ones with a background in lasers and no “prejudice against super villainy.”

To questions voiced by the press, Abdullah Gül, Turkey’s controversial young president with a penchant for the dramatic, will decline to give specifics about his research goals. Dressed head to toe in a black silk cloak, pointy facial hair waxed to rigidity he will say only, “Your American Marvel comics are very instructive.” However, shortly after being employed as head of Turkey’s Research and Development, one Bertram Stanley will defect to the United States, leaking the scorned nation’s secrets to the world. Read more…

Like so many technological advances, fiddling with the genetic makeup of produce will have unforeseen consequences. In 2012 the International Coalition of Improved Agriculture will reluctantly report on the results of their experimentation. Though the “super” crops they breed will have many benefits, such as increased yields and extended growing seasons, the Coalition will warn of negatives which will outweigh the positives.

Dennis Wade, the acting U.S. head of the Coalition will tell our sources of the unpublicized side effects: “We first began to worry when the soy beans drafted their second constitution. The first one was just pie-in-the-sky posturing, but the second one… well. They made some good points.” Read more…

In shocking news, after a laborious six-month Senate hearing process, the Players Union for Major League Baseball will decide to prohibit the use of steroids as long as MLB adheres to their demands.

“We really mean it,” Bob Mitchell will say, speaking for the Union, “As long as MLB stops drug testing, the players have agreed not to use any performance enhancing drugs. Honest. Seriously… why are you all laughing? The players’ logic is undeniable. If no testing occurs then no one will know if anyone is using steroids, and the players have promised not to as an extra bonus. It worked in the nineties.” Read more…

Las Vegas, NV – It will be easy to trace the downward spiral of Las Vegas’ most successful call girl, Cecilia Minor, aka Pepper. Formerly an acclaimed adult escort, Minor will throw away her pleasure industry empire with one illicit foray into local politics.

“It all started when I took that learning annex course in Political Science,” she will tell Larry King in a candid interview. “It was so exotic, so intoxicating. Before long, all I could think about was lobbying. I’ll admit it, I was seduced.” Read more…

Every year around this time hundreds of Americans take stock of their lives and resolve to do better. Some choose exercise, others dieting, still others make plans to improve themselves—and break them just as quickly backsliding into even worse behavior. Conventional wisdom suggests that change is good, but is it really? According to a startling study due to begin at the Phoenix Institute for Medical Research sometime next year, maybe not. The controversial research project led by Dr. Sally Coombs—author, physician, and long-time chain smoker—will reveal the detrimental effects of quitting anything. “The human body is amazing,” Coombs will be quoted as saying, “and you’d be surprised what it can get used to.” Read more…

Boston, MA – Lucas McFinney, a struggling actor from Boston will get the surprise of his life this August when he discovers he’s been the first documented victim of extreme identity theft in U.S. history. The startling revelation will come after an odd phone call from his mother congratulating him on his starring role in a hit television drama about a wise-cracking police detective and his lovable pet orangutan, Dotty. McFinney, who’s been waiting for his big break for years, will be understandably flabbergasted as he has neither auditioned nor performed in over six months. Read more…

Taking a lesson from the Brits, U.S. courts will soon be facing a dress code overhaul. Inside sources will inform us after the first of April of a new mandate which will have lawyers trading in their three piece suits for horsehair wigs and black silk robes. After much debate a panel of specialists will determine that the current dress code in American courts is resulting in poor jury duty attendance and general lack of faith in the judicial process. Hope for an increase in popular support for the justice system will be behind the unexpected implementation of a more conservative wardrobe. However, many will still express doubts.“It’s just a gimmick,” Randall Cromwell, a retired barrister with fifty years of courtroom experience will say. “This is a classic marketing ploy; they’re trying to latch on to the Harry Potter fad. Today it’s robes, tomorrow flashy special effects. After this it’s just a half step from habeas corpus to levicorpus.” Though many will side with Cromwell’s somewhat cynical analysis others will welcome the change. James Stanton, the District Attorney of Los Angeles County, California will go on record as being in favor of more formal dress in the courtroom. “The American justice system has gotten a reputation of late that we’re soft on crime. We need to send a message, we need a new, tougher image, and nothing says dedication like more clothes.”

Though art has advanced far beyond the era of the economically placed fig leaf, some will argue that the art world still harbors many prudish and outmoded traditions. Since the first caveman scratched phallic symbols of masculine virility in the ashes of his fire pit, artists everywhere have limited their models to a single sex. But as the New Year dawns, a small group of innovative artists and ideologues will unite to bring the battle of the sexes to a reconciliation, at least within the confines of the canvas.
In early March, the soon-to-be head of the Inclusive Movement, Harper Weeks, will publicly state the group’s position on marble anatomy. “It hardly seems fair,” Weeks will say, “to limit a work of art to the shallow waters of the natural world.” This fledgling special interest group will pressure progressive galleries to update the content of their nudes to reflect the fluidity of gender in the modern age, either by removing blatantly male and female pieces or by permitting the addition of untraditional sex organs. “This isn’t castration,” Weeks will famously remark, “this is combination.” Read more…