The Large Hadron Collider will once again disappoint in the early months of 2020. After the initial disappointment in 2008 of not destroying both France and Switzerland, the LHC will continue to dash expectations in so many other ways.

Cern will completely run out of money after squandering billions of euros from various grants and loans.  Facing bankruptcy, it will be forced to sell out and seek alternative corporate sponsorships. A monorail track running over the 17-mile collider ring will be built, surrounding the amusement park and shopping mall that will be erected to raise money for the project.  Alas, most of the funds raised by the corporate ventures will go towards mitigating the effects of ‘collision-addiction’ developed by the particle physicists working on the premises.

Many more years will pass before the LHC actually helps discover a new particle.  When scientists finally do discover the Biggs Hoson, the new particle will appear to reverse the logic behind scientists’ initial predictions on the nature of the universe. This will create more confused scientists than at any time since they changed their title away from ‘Philosopher’ and proclaimed the Earth was flat, the center of the universe, and only six thousand years old.

Instead of being the key to figuring out what the rest of the universe is made of, the newly discovered particle will actually attract dark matter and energy and will continue to both defy and warp all logic and clear thought, receiving the nickname ‘the Goth particle’.

In other news, the Large Hadron Shopping Mall will be the only mall in existence to have more Hot Topics than Claire’s and Orange Julius’ combined.

 ”Maybe we would have been better off with the Black Hole…”
—Steve Myers, head of the Accelerator and Beam department

In a shocking turn from normal Necro-Satanic procedure, the Morningstar, also known as Satan, will decide to postpone the much anticipated Apocalypse. While originally scheduled for the end of the Aztec calendar in 2012, Satan will decide that the end of the world must be closer to a Bush family member being in office, and thus will wait until Jenna Bush assumes office in 2028.

“I just think that the world won’t be ripe enough at the projected launch date. It’s nothing against the Democratic party’s ineptitude in office, but with a Bush in office there is just a special kind of havoc and chaos on a global scale,” Satan will explain in a press statement.

Since Revelations is so vague and the Left Behind series seriously tipped the surprise of the original plan, Satan will feel it necessary to work out a new surprise ending. The Evil One will also promise that the Apocalypse will be much more structured in its chaos. Satan believes the few extra years will give him the ability to create new and interesting ways to assume global domination and the release of the beast.

A new accessory is hitting the market next spring: therapeutic sun glasses.  The new fasion accessory/mood modifier will be designed to positively enhance the wearer’s overall outlook on life.  While many colors will be available to suit any wardrobe, shades of pink will prevail.

Users of the new glasses notice little difference between the effects of the pills they are currently taking and their new spectacles.

Beginning with the colorful mood ring in 1962, attempts to create an actual mood altering ring were crippled with setbacks from the technology of the day and conservative forces in the FDA. Adoption of the technology by Big Pharma, however, will cause a dramatic change in the official position of government regulators, who will become more interested in accelerated trials for each new trinket.

Azzor Merica, a Chinese jewelry maker, has suggested it may be getting into the market as early as April 2009 with a line of anklets proven to inhibit Obsessive Compulsive behavior in young women. Azzor’s move to this market is shaking up one local company, Jones Pharma, looking to market their own OCD shoe inserts. A spokesman from Jones commented, “This company [Azzor Merica] is best known for marketing faux diamonds.  This is a ridiculous, opportunistic move on their part: They know nothing about treating people with mood or psychological disorders.”

The market for mood-modifying accessories will begin booming starting in the third quarter of 2011.  Wall Street’s reaction will be mostly positive and stocks of Pharmacueticals leveraging the new trinket technology will jump 20% collectively over the following quarter.

Sibu, Transylvania—Inspired by local vampiric legend, a group of engineers in Romania will develop a fuel cell partially energized by the electrolytes in human blood capable of powering a small to midsized electric car. All such vehicles will come equipped with a small tank and a dashboard catheter. Though the cheapest and most readily available supply of plasma will come from either driver or passengers, authorities will urge motorists not to “Drain and Drive,” as going too far or too fast may cause wooziness, disorientation, and horrible fiery death. Read more…

In a reversal from his usual movie-making style, Michael Bay will decide to make a movie without any explosions. The shift, which will come after the release of his next movie, Things Go BOOM, will prove that Mr. Bay is able to make films with a feasible plot outside of youngsters falling in love and blowing shit up.

Many other directors will support the move on Bay’s part. Read more…

Our staff of astromancers, Nostradamus scholars and Bible thumpers have determined that The End is near.  How near? They are not quite sure, but they all agree it is not too soon to start asking ourselves whether or not we will be ready when the fateful moment arrives.  Don’t let Armageddon take you by surprise: here are the top five questions you should ask yourself before the beginning of The End.

1) Am I, or is someone I know, the Antichrist? Read more…

Later this summer, Atlantis will arise from the deep approximately seventy miles off the coast of the Azores and pronounce its return. The mystical island, which sank eons ago, has been a source of intrigue to global historians for centuries.

Linked to all sorts of occurrences, from the rise of Camelot in England to the occasional eruption of mount Vesuvius in Italy, the storied floating city will not look at all like the Stargate spin-off of the same name. In fact, the city’s appearance will be more in tune with ancient Greek architecture, except that it will be full of mer-people who use kelp as their primary building material. Read more…

Lingering educational debt will haunt the paychecks of many young Americans as the cost of a decent college education rises ever higher. In response to repeat defaults on financial loans, several universities will implement a new means of repayment, The Offspring Repossession Initiative, jokingly termed “the Rumpelstiltskin Agreement.”

This controversial financial aid package will offer a free education to any who sign a contract giving the university rights to their first-born child. For many unwed mothers and fathers, this initiative will allow an unprecedented opportunity to pursue an education that would previously have been out of their reach, as well as allowing graduates struggling with steep monthly payments to wipe the slate clean. Read more…

Paris, France—The cutting edge of fashion will never seem so sharp as new fall styles hit the catwalks all across Europe in 2012. As the models mount their towering heels and prepare to strut for the camera, the savvy observer will know there is more to their rail thin figures than dieting alone can accomplish.

In this landmark year for plastic surgery, Cosmetic Organ Removal will emerge from the recesses of backstage chop shops into the full light of flash photography. Though the controversial procedure will not be publicly acknowledged for several more years, 2012 will be the turning point when top-modeling agencies will begin requiring it before finalizing contracts.

When questioned about the moral ramifications of such a requirement, the companies will confess helplessness, citing the refusal of designers to make clothing that will fit on a biologically standard human body. Read more…

While summer gas prices will keep people at home this summer, an exciting new energy source will be coming out on the horizon. In mid August, Terrapin Beer of Athens, Georgia will find a way to synthesize beer as an alternative fuel. The beer-fuel will be called Rye Fuel Ale, and will be consumable as both automobile fuel, and fuel for drinkers in pubs around the nation.

While it will take some time to mass produce, this alternative fuel will drive down gas prices quickly, and make the US independent of foreign oil sources. Read more…